A Month and More

Well, it's been over a month that Christopher has been on the outside. By outside I mean not in my belly. Something changed in me on his one month birthday. I suddenly felt positive and hopeful. The first week of his life I was just in shock, trying to assess everything that was happening. The second week was major ups and downs for me. The third and fourth week were slowly climbing back to the surface. But then something happened on his birthday, he no longer had an oxygen tube in his nose.

He was completely breathing on his own. I really worried that we might have to take an oxygen monitor home with us as I have read many preemies need this because their lungs are the last to fully develop. Not only was I relieved he could breath on his own, but I could see his face! The oxygen tube had to be held in place by two huge pieces of tape on both cheeks. Even though I could see his eyes and nose and lips, it was his cheeks that mystified me. You wouldn't think cheeks would be a big deal. Their round, everyone has them, and they are flesh colored. So what. Well, they are a big deal when you can't see them.

I walked into his room on his birthday. Yelled out happy birthday to him as I put my purse down. Walked over to his crib and a huge smile came over my face when I saw no oxygen tube. He looked up at me. Did his usual facial expressions, but they were different because I saw what his cheeks did when he made them. Then, he smiled. I know it's just gas, but every time he smiles my heart explodes. Only this time I saw there were dimples involved. He has dimples when he smiles! The tape covered that part of him, but now I know.

Of all the milestones he has accomplished in this past month (being moved to a crib from an incubator, taking breast milk, hitting 5 lbs - now 6 lbs, etc.) not having the oxygen has affected me the most. Logically, for the past week or two I have known he would be ok, but emotionally I still felt like I did that first week. Now, seeing all of him has made me so happy. Sure he still has a few milestones to accomplish before he heads home and once he is home we will still have to monitor his heart with some issues he may still have, but I think he has turned a corner. I feel a sense of calm. My heart is telling me everything will be ok now.